Picture in your mind the “perfect” dwarf. Who is he (or she)? What do they look like? How do they act?
The wonderful thing about books is that even though it is an author leading you on a journey, how that journey shapes up all takes place in your mind. Whether you are visiting a world far away, an alternate Earth, the distant past or a fantastical land of mythical creatures, the person that gives shape and form to the story is you.
When the Lord of the Rings movies came out, there was a predictable outcry from some people who didn’t like how Peter Jackson and company made Middle-Earth because it didn’t look the way they envisioned it. The same thing happened with The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. In this article, I’m going to break down the dwarves in the Company of Thorin Oakenshield when compared to how I picture dwarves in my mind’s eye.
The caveats are that 1) I am not a hardcore Tolkien fan, and 2) this only applies to how the dwarves were portrayed in the movie.
As a word of warning, there are spoilers from the movie below, but if you’re frequenting a blog devoted to the Lord of the Rings Online, you’ve probably seen The Hobbit by now, but don’t say I didn’t give fair warning to everyone else.
The Perfect Dwarf
I will readily admit that I have not read The Hobbit since middle school, which for me was over 25 years ago. Although Mrs. Vraeden tried to get me to read it again before seeing the movie, I was too busy working on the Hytbold dailies and grinding virtues on my captain to read the book again. In any case, the mithril standard I have of the “ideal” science-fiction/fantasy dwarf comes in two forms: Flint Fireforge and Bruenor Battlehammer.
On the outside, both are gruff, dour and unpleasant. And that’s to the people they like. However, deep down, they are the most loyal friends anyone could have, and both are fearsome in battle. I think that when a dwarf punches someone in the face, it either means that you are now best friends or that he is trying to kill you. They are also accustomed to living underground and they really like axes.
With that broad description of a dwarf in mind, I then looked at the Company of Thorin Oakenshield to see how they stand up. All are exceedingly loyal, not only to Thorin, but each other. Unfortunately, because there is a discrepancy in screen time, some actually get to do things in the movie, others just stand around as window dressing, brawn, comic relief or bass line harmony. Hopefully, we’ll get to see more of each character filled out in the next two parts of The Hobbit.
Scoring Methodology
As part of this process, I developed a subjective (and frankly, highly suspect) scoring rubric. All of the dwarves are evaluated on four criteria:
- Looks Like a Dwarf
- Acts Like a Dwarf
- Beard
- Badass Factor
The scores were assigned by me, based on how they appeared in the movie. All of the portraits below are the movie promotional posters, and the “Looks Like a Dwarf” score is not based on this picture alone. Nor is the “Beard” category, for that matter. Many of the dwarves were hurt in the “Acts Like a Dwarf” category because they didn’t have a lot of lines and all they were doing was eating, running from orcs/goblins, or trying not to fall out of a tree. The Badass Factor (BAF) is how scared I would be of meeting that dwarf in a dark alley, assuming he’s not there to protect me.
I have summarised each dwarf’s score and given a brief commentary below. They are listed in alphabetical order.
Balin
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Aside from Thorin, Balin gets to do the most, which mainly consists of plot exposition. He gets extra points for calling everyone “laddie”. His BAF is reduced because as one of the older members of the company, he’s no longer as deadly a warrior as some of the others. |
Bifur
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Bifur looks like the archetypal dwarf: stocky, stout and an awesome beard. Sadly, he doesn’t get to do much in the movie. Extra beard points for the braids. |
Bofur
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The Flying Nun hat drops Bifur a couple of points, but the crazy look in his eye reminds me of my Uncle Roger (in a good way). An extra BAF point for the giant warhammer. |
Bombur
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Anyone who sits around eating while everyone else does the dishes surely is a dwarf at heart, so Bombur gets points there. I like the no-chin beard, with extra points for the bushy sideburns. Sadly, I’d only be scared of him if I were a MLT (mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe . . . ) |
Dori
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Dori is one of the company who gets lost in the shuffle on the screen, which is a disappointment, since we get to meet him in LOTRO. I think I projected a reduced BAF on him since he’s in need of rescue just outside of Othrikar and, through no fault of his own, he shares his name with an amnesiac Pacific regal blue tang. |
Dwalin
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Let’s face it: Dwalin is the scariest of the dwarves. Not only is he packing more axes than a Canadian lumberjack crew, but he’s got tattoos on his shaved head, probably so whomever he is head-butting can get a good view. Bilbo was right to be scared of him. |
Fili
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I hope Fili gets some more screen time in the next movie since we know . Like Kili, he’s really too handsome for a proper dwarf. Extra BAF points since he’s probably at Kili’s side whenever Thorin needs something dead. |
Gloin
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Gloin doesn’t get to do much in the movie, despite being seen in all of the major battle scenes. Love the Epic beard. |
Kili
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If you need something dead, Kili is your guy. I’m sure whenever Thorin points at something, Kili just says, “Right away, boss.” Unfortunately, he’s really too pretty for a dwarf, as evidenced by (presumably human) CSTM readers commenting on how hawt he is. I also don’t think of dwarves as bow archers. Their arms would be too short to get enough pull from a longbow. Still, I think he’s probably the second-most deadly of the company after Dwalin. |
Nori
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Crazy hair? Check. Crazy braided beard? Check. Dwarven khukuri? Check. You get the feeling that Nori would be just as happy spiking the punch at your sister’s wedding as he would be slitting the throat of an orc. It’s too bad Peter Jackson passed up the chance to make a joke about Bill, Bert and Tom wrapping him in rice and serving him as a California roll. |
Oin
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Sadly, Oin doesn’t have a lot to do in the movie. I like the oddly-shaped braids in the beard, but don’t you get the feeling that he could be hiding anything in there? You could ask him, “Hey, Oin, have you got a gyros with extra onion?” and he’d find one. Or a spiked-knuckle trench knife. |
Ori
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A slingshot? Really? Extra points for the belching, though. |
Thorin
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As he is depicted in The Hobbit, Thorin doesn’t appear very dwarf-like to me. For one, he’s too pretty (see Kili above). Plus, for the heir to the great dwarven kingdom of Erebor, I expected a better beard. Movie Thror had an awesome bread, as did Movie Thrain. I’m not saying a dwarf can’t have a well-groomed epic beard, but Thorin’s beard should have a signature line of Dos Equis commercials, be deadly to goblinoids (-8 vs. paralysis/poison/death magic) and carry its own DKP tally. The long, flowing locks really only work on elves. The brooding earns him extra points. |
Because it would be unlucky to rate 13 dwarves, I have added a 14th:
(and before you start quibbling about my choice, realise that the two other contenders for this spot were Mini-Me and Tattoo, and they didn’t really fit in the alphabetical ordering scheme)
Tyrion Lannister
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Tyrion is a fictional human dwarf being portrayed by a human dwarf actor, instead of a a fictional demi-human dwarf being portrayed by a non-dwarf human actor. Therefore, he looks like a dwarf and acts like a dwarf, which is what he is. As far as his BAF, in battle, you’d pretty much take anyone over him (even Tyrion wouldn’t put money on himself, ). But in life, he’s smart, ruthless and pragmatic enough to win.I think there is a giant white board in George R. R. Martin’s basement with the names of everyone in Westeros on it, and because he mows down characters more than I do, this list also reveals who will be alive and who will be dead at the end. I think Tyrion’s name is on the “live” list (along with Daenerys Targaryen, Arya Stark, and John Snow) and that makes him a badass. |
So there you have it: The Official Dwarf Ratings™ for The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.
Discuss. Debate. Hit the “Back” button and lament the portion of your life you just lost while reading this. Make your own rankings.
Your choice.
May you have health and prosperity in the new year.
December 28, 2012 at 8:33 am
“Dwalin
Badass Factor: Wolverine”
Dwalin may have just become my favorite dwarf just for being comparable to Wolverine.
December 28, 2012 at 9:06 am
For the most part I agree with the assessments, however, being a female, I’ll go ahead and say that why should dwarves not have hawtness just as any and all other races? Although, I cannot say that I’ve seen a hobbit in any of the films that I would consider hawt…. Anyway, the only thing about appearances that bugged me to no end was the fact that Thorin was supposed to have a long beard. Even if Tolkien didn’t comment about each individual dwarf beard, he made it clear that Thorin’s either touched the river water on the bridge to the Last Homely House, or almost did. Either way, I feel it bad taste to blatantly go against what is stated fact.
December 28, 2012 at 11:50 am
I know many a beautiful Hobbit lass who considers my brother as hawt. It’s not only in his stomach, you know. It’s in his eyes and in his wit. He’s quite a handsome, charming lad and knows how to entertain his female fans.
*winks and giggles*
December 29, 2012 at 12:14 pm
In the H:AUJ Offical Movie Guide (Chrismas Pressie yay) Thorin (sorry I mean Richard Armitage) is quoted as saying
“…when his grandfather and father, Thrór and Thraín, came out of the the Lonely Mountain after the attack by Smaug the dragon, they had singed beards… he has cut his beard short, as a mark of respect to the indignity suffered by them…” (p48)
I liked the fact that he’d taken the time to find a reason for it, whether or not we agree with him.
December 28, 2012 at 9:24 am
I personally do not think PJ’s depiction of the dwarves is accurate. The only accurate depictions I think are restricted to Thorin and Balin.
It greatly annoys me that this notion that the dwarves should be loud, belching drunkards really gets to my nerves. Tolkien’s dwarves were never shown like this. A dwarf is not about yelling and laughing and tossing food about, and punching each other in the face. They are appropriate, polite, proud, stern. The other sort of dwarf, that we see in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and in LotR trilogy, belongs not to Middle-earth, but instead to Dungeons and Dragons or World of Warcraft.
December 28, 2012 at 11:51 am
This!
December 28, 2012 at 5:17 pm
Thinking the same thing
December 31, 2012 at 7:13 pm
???
Tossing plates around was in the Hobbit.
January 5, 2013 at 11:21 pm
Seconded, Cutedge!
In the book, their “merry gathering” (Gandalf’s words) is all food and ale and more food and more ale and a little wine, and some porter, and more food, chatting and hollering their orders at Bilbo all the while… And then they clean up via an over-the-top balancing act, and as silly a song as a person could hope to hear. (SO glad the movie kept that in!)
No, they aren’t that silly all through the book, and Peter Jackson showed us plenty of dwarvish dignity as well, but clearly Tolkien meant us to know that dwarves DO also know how to have a good time!
December 28, 2012 at 9:49 am
This is awesome!
December 28, 2012 at 9:52 am
Yikes! You warned about spoilers for the Hobbit, but I think those Game of Thrones tidbits might be the bigger spoilers, especially for people who are only watching the television show. My wife is only on the second book, and I know I would have hated having those developments spoiled for me.
Otherwise, great article! Very funny. I think the David Crosby beard was my favorite.
December 28, 2012 at 10:09 am
Covered up the spoilers.
December 28, 2012 at 12:57 pm
Thanks! You’re a real gentleman.
December 28, 2012 at 10:18 am
Official Recount demanded on Dori’s Badass Factor — the guy has a goblin axe permanently stuck in his frontal lobe.
December 28, 2012 at 10:19 am
… and by Dori, I meant Bifur. You can see how I got those two confused, right? Right? *another cup of coffee, stat!*
December 28, 2012 at 8:23 pm
I totally second the motion! Dude walking around with AN AXE IN HIS HEAD.
December 31, 2012 at 12:59 am
Does the goblin axe in the forehead mean he’s extra-badass? Or that he’s just really bad at fighting goblins? (but not so much that they’d kill him)
Many years ago, I used to teach taekwondo, and my signature move was the outer cheekbone block. That didn’t mean I was a badass; I just got kicked in the face a lot.
The criteria of the rating is: Would I be scared of meeting that Bifur in a dark alley, or would the axe in his forehead make me go ‘Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!”
I’ll have to cogitate on this and see if it merits elevating his BAF.
December 28, 2012 at 10:24 am
Thanks for adding the spoiler tag for Tyrion! It was too late for me, I already read it (and hadn’t got that far in the books yet) but hopefully I’ll forget about it by the time I get back to reading them!
Can Bifur get more BAF for the axe in his head???? Especially considering the fact that he doesn’t even seem to care that it’s there – oops, Gliredhel beat me to it, but that makes two votes for more BAF for Bifur!
December 28, 2012 at 8:01 pm
THREE VOTES! i was a little confused when i was examining a miniature of him and noticed the axe in his head… i’m hoping we’ll get a little backstory on that in a future movie installment.
December 28, 2012 at 10:42 am
That was awesome. Dwalin’s a total bad ass, like a dwarf Mr. T
January 1, 2013 at 3:04 am
I thought Mr T was a dwarf
April 13, 2013 at 1:08 am
No, he’s a night elf (mohawk).
December 28, 2012 at 6:10 pm
Another great article, Vraeden! Points for the “Princess Bride” reference…And yea, I live near Amish country and have seen several farmers who could be mistaken for Ori.
December 28, 2012 at 8:03 pm
I think Balin deserves more BAF for deciding to walk back into Moria despite having glimpsed Durin’s Bane at the battle of the Dimril Dale. AND he does it in his old age to boot!
December 28, 2012 at 8:03 pm
oh wait… sorry, movies only. uh… nothin’ to see here, move along. move along.
December 28, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Thorin needed a bit more beard, and a slightly older appearance i think. A touch of grey maybe.
December 29, 2012 at 3:04 am
This is an awesome post, you win the internet my friend! Loved the Hobbit by the way, can’t wait for the next one to come out soon!
January 2, 2013 at 3:01 am
You think Gloin would get a little more screen time since he’s the father of Gimli, although I did notice him carrying a very familiar axe. I agree with the evaluations of the dwarves, especially Dwalin and Ori. The slingshot is just ridiculous. The dwarves are known as supreme weaponsmiths, and we’re supposed to believe he goes with a piece of wood?
January 8, 2013 at 1:29 am
This San Diego native appreciates the Dan Fouts reference.
January 8, 2013 at 7:24 pm
Very nice post, but…but… “because as one of the older members of the company, he’s no longer as deadly a warrior as some of the others” – that’s so not true! dwarves only get stronger as they get older, and that’s well known!
January 12, 2013 at 10:40 am
In the movie, Balin makes a comment to Thorin about some members of the company (in a way that makes you think he’s including himself) being too old for 13 dwarves, Gandalf and a hobbit they don’t entirely trust to take back Erebor from Smaug.
January 10, 2013 at 2:21 am
when my wife and i went to see the movie and dwalin showed up at bilbo’s door, she immediately said – look! that’s you!
March 2, 2013 at 5:12 am
I liked all of the dwarves. I thought they were cast well. My favourites are of course Kili for his hotness LOL but I also like him and Fili because they’re kind of stupidly courageous and funny.
I love Bilbo. I think he resembles Pippin a bit. Got that Tookish thing going on. Gandalf is of course brilliant as usual. But I also like Radagast…a nest in his hair would you believe it!
I think the Thorin/Kili relationship is a lot like Aragorn/Legolas, where they always instruct the pretty boys to do the major killing. But there weren’t any epic scenes like the cave troll or olifont (sp?) And also…Aragorn was awesome unlike dumbass Thorin.
I loved the movie altogether. I like how they use a lot of the same theme music, some of the lines sort of echo those in LOTR, and that old Bilbo was in it… I nearly cried when I saw Frodo LOL and I teared up when I saw Rivendell again. And bloody hell I balled my eyes out when Galadriel turned around. I wish that woman was my grandmother!
LOL
I know I sound insane but I’ve been waiting for the hobbit since 2003…when I was 10 years old… 10 frickin years for this movie!